Written piece
Starvation
Chikondi Raphael
Malawi
About this piece
My submission is a poem that expresses the desires I have in my life at the moment. Desires that transcend into a deep starvation.
the hunger in me is not kind.
it is not the kind that can be said out loud
or presented as a sanctified prayer at the altar,
nor pass for proper conversation.
this kind of hunger does not behave.
it presses against the silence in my ribs
and the bars of my mouth.
it dares to ask for more,
even when more is forbidden.
it does not ask to be understood.
it never waits to be permitted.
it never quiets, even when it should.
i am starving to be touched
not lightly
not carelessly
but like something almost too delicate to hold
like porcelain
fine china
like glass warmed by breath and life
like the sun—
something that could undo you
if you come too close
and yet
you still reach
i want to be reaches dor like that
i want to be held
with reverence
a sense of reverence
as if the hands that hold me
understand they are holding something alive
something thinking
feeling, breathing
a being becoming
i want to be held
with the awareness
that what is in your hands
is a whole world
of galaxies
sculpted in clay
i want to be caressed
until my body forgets
where it begins
and where yours ends
until it blurs
into something larger than itself
memorising every curve and bend
i am starving to be touched
to be touched
like my body remembers being touched in a dream
and waking up
aching for it
i am hungry for
a life that moves
fast enough to wake me
and slow enough
to let it land in my bones
and settle into my spirit
i want intensity
not chaos without meaning
but a flood of sensation
of thought
of presence
something that makes me feel fully inside my own existence
i want a mind that burns
that stretches
and spirals
overwhelming me
with how much it can hold and fathom and imagine
for my thoughts to feel alive
to multiply
expand
and surprise me
i want to feel my own mind
becoming something more than what it was yesterday
i am hungry for a life
that meets me right here
in the middle of everything I already am
for cities that do not know my name
air that feels different in my lungs
mornings that do not repeat themselves
for people
who expand me
who make me feel
more than the loneliness inside me
i am hungry for love
a love that does not confuse
or make me question my worth
a love that does not chip at my sanity
i am hungry for a love that chooses me
without hesitation
because somewhere deep inside
everyone wants to be chosen
not by everyone
just by someone
fully
without a doubt
i am hungry for a love
that meets me on the edge
a lover that stays
for something that remains
when everything else tips over
i am hungry for hands
that reach for mine
without hesitation
for hands i can reach for
without hesitation
i am hungry for a voice
that whispers my name like a prayer
softly
deeply
like something holy being placed down gently
i am hungry in places i cannot name
in my flesh
my bones
in my thoughts when they multiply too quickly
in my body
when it does not know what to do with itself
i am hungry for clarity
for something that does not slip through my fingers when i reach for it
for unimagined meaning
for silence that does not echo back at me
i am hungry for freedom
for a life that is mine
for the right to want more
without offering an apology